The Black Friday Sale Is Here: Shop Now
Ode to the Dad Bod...His Name is Robert Paulson

Ode to the Dad Bod…His Name is Robert Paulson

Written by
May 22, 2015
Updated April 11, 2018
Category: Lifestyle
Tags: Mindset

Apologies to Chuck Palahniuk and Tyler Durden

10 days from now, “Dad Bod” won’t be around anymore. It’ll be on a top 10 list of 2015. It’s a fad. Here and gone. Like Tebowing.

I see you. Modern man of the world. Cornflower blue tie. Trying to make your life meaningful in meaningless ways.

You celebrate a touchdown by pouring golden amber suds down your open, gluttonous throat. Eager to find a connection with a man that makes millions more than you ever will. His suit is a trademarked uniform. Custom-fit Kevlar and nylon. Helmets that can stop bullets. He is the epitome of man. An athlete faster than a cheetah. He’s carved out of wood and you’re just white bread.

While you’ve been stuffing your face with pepperoni pizza, this guy’s been stuffing iron into the sky. He’s pushing the Earth backward with every step he takes. He’s everything you want to be. You need to be like him. You can’t be. But that’s your image. Your dream.

You’re like Robert Paulson. A man once the definition of athletic prowess. His sin was a byproduct of his greed. Yours are sloth and gluttony. Content to lead a life where “only in moderation” applies to your workouts and the amount of healthy food and water you drink, you’ve deluded yourself into thinking you can’t have what you want. You say you’re not ok with mediocrity, but you hide behind your possessions and live a life dedicated to the middle anyway. Your body is the perfect example. Half flab, half muscle. You’re “fit, but fat”.

You are Jack’s Diseased Heart.

You play a part-time role in the gym. You let yourself think you’re doing your body good. 15 minutes is good enough.

You are Jack’s Brittle Bones.

You live a life tied to your desk chair. You’re a space monkey. You do your job. You push a button. Pull a lever. Typing, staring. The way to the top isn’t up the stairs, it’s sitting in a chair. Right?


You are Jack’s Complete Lack of Insulin Resistance.

Years of careless neglect. Of greasy, cheesy pizza dripping down your chin. Of carbonated beverages. Crunchy corn chips, creamy dips, and whatever else you could stuff into your ravenous mouth.

Scientists are finding new and plentiful ways to tell you to get off your ass. Sitting for more than 50 minutes out of every hour can cause cancer. Stiff neck. Lower back pain. Go ahead. Keep sitting. Keep staring at your computer screen with your arthritic fingers poised over your keyboard eager to discuss the latest game.

Sitting and eating created your dad bod.

Given a long enough timeline, everyone’s survival rate drops to 0. To make your timeline longer, first we render fat.

Nutrition is 80% responsible for the way you look. 80% responsible for your dad bod. Exercise, sleep, and other factors influence the rest of your health. I say let’s evolve. Let the chips fall. Throw them in the plastic-lined graveyard in your kitchen. Take your beer, your dips, soda. Lay waste to your cabinets and fridge. Give your garbage can the advertisement space for your processed products.

Your Kevlar and plastic hero.Work out while he’s working. Get in the game. Grab some cold iron and work it until it gets hot. Sweat. Commercial breaks are breaks for no one. Walk. Get up and move. Fat will melt from your face. Your waist. You’ll get there, but it requires work.

Never forget where you came from or what it took to get rid of your dad bod. In death, he has a name. His name is Robert Paulson.

Free shipping is offered on orders with a minimum subtotal of $150 less discounts. Free shipping is only available in the contiguous U.S. and excludes Fitness and Digital items.
For media inquiries please contact us at
In thanks to military and first responders, we're extending a 15% discount off MSRP for all products purchased at
To qualify, simply verify your status during checkout on the payment step. We verify through, our trusted technology partner for secure digital identity verification.
After verification, your discount will auto-apply on that order and all future orders.
Please note that this discount cannot be combined with coupons.
If you have any questions or issues with the verification process, please don't hesitate to reach out to Customer Service.
* US Military members, please choose United States as your destination country, as this will ensure your package ships via USPS and that you are not given international shipping rates.
With a subscription, you'll get your favorite Onnit products whenever you want at 15% off MSRP. All automatic, worry free, and with our same great money back guarantee.
Cancel or adjust your order at any time, hassle free. Your payment method will only be charged right before your order ships. The discount applied every time is 15% off MSRP or the current sale discount, whichever is greater. For more information, see the complete Onnit Subscription Terms & Conditions and Frequently Asked Questions.

Secure Shopping

We implement a variety of security measures to maintain the safety of your personal information when you place an order or enter, submit, or access any information on our website. We incorporate physical, electronic, and administrative procedures to safeguard the confidentiality of your personal information, including Secure Sockets Layer (SSL) for the encryption of all financial transactions through the website. We use industry-standard, 256bit SSL encryption to protect your personal information online, and we also take several steps to protect your personal information in our facilities. For example, when you visit the website, you access servers that are kept in a secure physical environment, behind a locked cage and a hardware firewall. After a transaction, your credit card information is not stored on our servers.